At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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