Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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