He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
