so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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