Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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