stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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