Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
