My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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