It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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