omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
