I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
