Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
