you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
