Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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