So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
