On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
