i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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