is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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