I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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