What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
