was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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