There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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