I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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