After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
