Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
