she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
