just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
