Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
