dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
