I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
