I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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