I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
