I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize