And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
