saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
