I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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