Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
