I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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