Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
