i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
