Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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