she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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