I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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