I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
