Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Couch. On fire.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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