He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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