I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
