he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
