love makes seman taste better
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
