I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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