I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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