Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
