I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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