Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish my penis had an off switch
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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