plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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