3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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