I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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