I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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